I'm not really up for a lengthy explanation right now, though feel free to ask. The short version is that I become more convinced every day that my life is hopeless, and there's nothing I can do about it, and the sole reason for it is my low IQ.

The worst part of it is that it can't be fixed. Intelligence is your inherent capacity to learn, as well as to notice patterns and connections. Well, I've never had any capacity to notice those things. Nor have I ever had an exceptional memory, or be insightful, or had any ability to think for myself; no creativity, no problem-solving ability and almost no ability to learn. No capacity for meaningful experiences either, seeing as emotional sensitivity is correlated with IQ (and I'm basically anesthetized to things like beauty).

The most painful part for me is knowing how I've lived most of my life a lie, and I keep wanting to do so. I'm not intelligent, I need to stop pretending I am. I need to stop thinking about things (an acquired habit, along with questioning things), stop reading "difficult" books. I need to stop getting stressed about abstractions, not because it's useless but because it's reaching above my intellectual station. I definitely need to kill this desire to learn, it's pretty numbed anyway, but it's useless. I can't learn, so I might as well give up wanting it.

I always seem to end up in the company of people 2-5 standard deviations above myself. It's demoralizing. Most of my thoughts come from outside sources, if I think by myself I come to the completely wrong conclusions. It's time to give up. But I don't see the point of living such an empty, hollow, boring life with no potential for meaning. But I'm also too attached to living and too afraid to die yet.

This went on longer than I wanted. Maybe I'll post updates, seeing as I actually wanted to spend today in self-improvement before this hit (last night, in fact). See what happens.

Thanks for listening, I know I go on about the same stuff.