So it looks like I'll just have another lazy day of music, reading, and videos.

I WS going through my Youtube subscriptions and remembered something. I'm subscribed to a few channels for meditation and hypnosis tracks, and have a small downloaded collection of these MP3s... including several that are supposed to increase intelligence. How literally I believe in them is sketchy. I guess I thought they could at least act like motivation.

I still have some that are basically CG voices telling you you are brilliant, a genius, exceptionally skilled at whatever. I checked one of the original channels and there was a new one for an "IQ explosion - unleash your genius" or something like that. What I'm taking too long to say is it hurts to look at these now. Forget listening to them. You can't improve your intelligence. No amount of telling me I'm good at math is going to make me good at math, seeing as even effort won't fix that.

There are tracks for other things: work ethic, confidence, releasing guilt, being attractive... but the idea that I could turn myself intelligent with some aural stimulation and the right study materials... its such a joke. And I'm such a failure. No real intelligent person has to implant into their minds that they're competent. And besides, work is just a sign of stupidity and inferiority anyway. The gifted don't need to work because everything is easy and obvious to them.

On another note, before I end this post, I've felt before like I was changing, mentally, for the better. Questioning and thinking more thoroughly is getting more natural despite my age. I notice inconsistencies and irrational things where I would normally be to caught up in the narrative - not as well as an actual smart person, but better than usual. Skepticism is becoming more natural. But I learned all this, I picked it up from spending time online with people who are naturally like this until it became more habitual, originally because I wanted to fit in. It means nothing, it's worthless. They say you should surround yourself with people smarter than yourself; I find that's a good way to feel like a failure and a fraud.

Now I know why I don't do online diaries: I write too much.