Most of y'all know my story of boundary changes/rejection I dealt with almost a year ago. Well, unfortunately, that hasn't gone away yet..... I keep trying to work through it so I CAN push it away, but honestly, it was suggested to me (by my new T, T2) that it retriggered my PTSD and isn't going to "just go away" like I'd like it to. Then last week I had a rejection from someone else, "of higher authority," which caused a meltdown, and reminder of the feelings I've felt with my T's decisions.

So I have not yet left T1, I see her twice a week, and my new, CBT T, I see once a week. So no one can say I'm not trying to move past this, I'm in therapy three days a week with two different therapists with completely different approaches, and I read what I can to help myself accept this and move on.

I know a lot of you don't care much for my T, and to be honest, yes, I've been very angry with her for being so hurt by her. But in other ways, we work SO well together, and I am hopelessly attached, for now. I've been trying to pull back.... mostly by not contacting her between sessions (even though she encourages it,) hoping that the feeling will just go away.

Well, I was asked a pretty direct question yesterday in my session, which I didn't truthfully answer. She asked how my weekend was, and asked me what I fill my time with every day. I'm not working right now due to an injury, I've been off since November. I'm hoping to go back soon, which will surely help. I listed off things that I might do around here during the day, but I didn't mention just how much reading I do, and thinking, about therapy and rejection. She also asked how I've been lately, and I told her nothing has changed, I'm quite depressed, and she asked what it is I think about. Well, then, too, I rattled off some big stressors in my life that I deal with, but again, I failed to mention therapy and rejection.

It consumes most of my thoughts. I'm not at ALL attached to CBT T, I like her enough, and don't NOT enjoy my sessions. I talk through the whole darn thing. But I don't contact her between sessions, even though I'm allowed to, and I don't think about her at all between sessions. I'm not even having to work at that, not getting attached, I suppose because subconsciously I won't let myself. I don't know, but it is a relief to not have to work at it. She's just there. And I could quit seeing her at any time and never think about her again. I wish it were that way with T1. It was CBT T who suggested that my PTSD was triggered by T1's actions, and she doesn't make me feel self conscious for my feelings for T1. Only I do that.

So, I want to say, T1 and I have been doing some great work together since this rupture. But I have pushed myself to stay engaged. Because I did just shut down for a long time. Occasionally I still do, but it's been easier to manage. There IS a connection there, even though I have to work sometimes to let myself feel it. But there's still SO much hurt in that room. I want to work through this and continue my work with this T (who is now much more "ethical" than she was. She's watching her Ps and Qs, and is more the kind of T many of you would have hoped she was in the beginning. But the memory of how she was still haunts me, makes me feel rejected. We have touched on it here and there lately, but I'm still getting nowhere. I know I probably ought to just share this post with her... but direct is something I'm not good at being quite yet. T1 does NOT know about T2, I've been afraid to tell her, afraid that she'll get defensive. T2 of course knows about T1, because she's been trying to help me with it.

I know there are some of us that allow therapy to just take over our thoughts. I'm wondering if anyone else wants to discuss it? Honestly, all of us here think about therapy outside of session, or we wouldn't be talking about it on a therapy message board. It really is my hope to move past this and continue work with my T1, and how she is now. But in time, T2 might help me realize that moving on might be the best thing. I've only been seeing T1 for 6-7 weeks now....so we're still pretty new to each other.

Thank you for any thoughts.