Perhaps what might help shakesphere is to turn that around into just taking the stance of you being the accepting one. I know that can be a significant challenge when one has had their personal boundaries invaded, especially at such a young age. I think that part of what was "lost" to you is the ability to "trust", but in that challenge is "trusting self too". That is what "trauma" affects the most, "self trust". That never means you were ever inadequate, or not smart enough or capable enough but trauma tends to leave such a deep wound that feels so vulnerable that it's often so hard to have that sense of "self trust" once traumatized.

When self trust is so badly damaged, that is what keeps a wound open and that is what you are recalling when you talk about what happened to you. When you reached out for help as you have described doing, I am sure you were told that what happened to you was wrong and that you did not deserve that, but what you did not have restored to you is that injury you suffered where you had lost your sense of "self trust", and I know that is very hard when it comes to that being damaged in a child.

I think that is what you are looking for when you go to church too. It's important to keep in mind that other individuals that make up a following of any church or religion for that matter is looking for support with their development of "self trust". That has been the case for thousands of years when it comes to humanity and that is why religion was slowly developed, that is why it is so timeless too, always so relevent.

I am glad that I did not really belong to a certain group when it came to a religion. For a very long time I often felt like an outsider, especially when I went to a private Catholic school and I was not really Catholic and therefore the impression I got was that I was not really "part of". However, somewhere along the way while I was listening and reading because I did have to take religion class, I decided that I could develop my own relationship. Along the way I thought about what I read about a certain individual that became an icon that developed into different groups that worshiped that icon. I focused on what that individual really said and part of what his message was about how he did not care for worship when it came to using that worship for "control over and power".

Then at some point along the way I heard about scriptures that were found and also how some scriptures were not put into "the book" that was something that was developed to get a lot of people to "follow" and behave.
One of these scriptures talked about how this icon came across an individual who asked, "can I be like you are and have that closeness as a son of?". The answer was "yes" and to keep looking into self to see what the gifts of self is and develop those gifts in "self". That is developing a "trust in self" shakesphere. Then I realized that the reason why that was not put in the book is that when that message is given, it gives a certain "freedom" that makes "control" a challenge.

Whenever I was in a setting and was listening to an individual read out of a book/scroll or whatever I always thought about not being "judged", but instead how I could apply that message to my personal sense of "self" but also how I could share whatever I had learned or gained with others. That is what a certain icon was trying to do. But, what also has been talked about is how that is hard and how not everyone is going to like that, especially those who try to use it for "control and power".

I am struggling myself shakesphere, and what I have come to slowly recognize is how much my "self trust" has been compromised. I do experience all the symptoms listed in PTSD. I really struggle alot and so I do respect the challenge. I know what it's like to have a deep desire to have others understand it, and more importantly have others that understand the hurt enough so that they know how to help the most vulnerable part "self trust" that is so vulnerable when a person trys to open up and reach out for help.

If anything shakesphere, if you can think about how others in any group can have different kinds of ways they protect "self trust" it might be easier for you to slowly regain your own sense of self trust that was injured so long ago. Unfortunately, the average person doesn't understand "how" to recognize when someone is asking for help with their sense of "self trust", not even in a place of worship. Perhaps that is something you can put in a letter, even one that is sent anonymously to whomever is standing in a role of guidance to that group of members.

I think that to expect a "group" to be accepting and supportive when it comes to that challenge, is expecting a lot. However, that is another thing a certain icon talked about too. That is a timeless message and is just as relevant today as when it was talked about so very long ago.