You know, I've wondered if it's a disorder myself. It hurts enough it should be. I tried bringing it up with a therapist once, and got blown off. Told me something like "well, of course you're smart, you're fine!"

About myself: Supposedly I was smart as a kid. Allegedly, the word "gifted" was thrown around when I was tested as a toddler. I don't really believe that because in the last 5 years or so, I started reading about what actual gifted kids are like, and interacting with them (rather by accident) online. I got into personality types and convinced everyone including myself that I was an extremely intelligent, rational, logical person, when in reality I'm very feeling-driven, and not so technical. Most importantly, I have almost nothing in common with actual gifted kids. I sure as hell didn't act like one. Finding my real type (personality-wise) was a blow seeing how far from ideal I really am. These things together...didn't bode well. Particularly considering it all started because I was failing out of college and was looking for something to convince me this wasn't permanent.

Whew.

But my fixation on intelligence goes back to early childhood. I started linking smarter with better early on, though I was never anything but a pseudo-intellectual, showing off random knowledge in the hopes of receiving praise. I'm lazy though, and didn't maintain my "advancement" much, so I started feeling stupid before middle school. But "smart" was my identity, and now that I don't have that, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself.

I'm naturally drawn to anything about intelligence - even the words smart, intelligent, intellectual, mental, genius - naturally draw my eye. I was recently reading some stuff about improving social skills and there were articles about the social challenges highly intelligent people might face. Of course I clicked on it, and of course, I found a list of things I've never done, would never think of doing, and would probably be on the receiving end anyway. This is a pattern. PC's main site had some pieces about being an intelligent misfit, and of course I couldn't relate but want to.

That's another thing (last paragraph, I promise). If I were highly intelligent, it would make sense why I've never felt like I fit in, why I'm often so disconnected from others. But if I'm just average, if I'm just like everyone else, then there's no explanation for my weirdness (or it feels like it). But I've never been asocial for smart reasons. It's never been "Ugh, why can't we talk about philosophy or politics or something of substance!" so much as "Could you please shut up, I'm running a story in my head/thinking about something really important to me?" I don't want to have deep conversations, I want to be left alone. No one ever seems to account for that.

But yes, it feels pathological, this obsession. It's ruining me.

And I'm really, really sorry for typing so much, holy frick.