Yes the PHP is helpful every time I've used it. Although at this point I've had most of the groups multiple times so it's a bit boring. Still, when there's process time, it's nice to have a place to go to talk about what's going on.

I'm just not sure what to do about ECT. My mom says we'll figure it out if I have to do it again. Because last time my mom could take me and my grandmother could pick me up but my mom is working this time. And my grandmother can't leave my grandfather, who has dementia now, alone. So I don't know how I would get transportation. And honestly it would mean another three months off work, another round of memory loss and cognitive functioning loss, just another bunch of ********. And it may not even work in the long term without doing maintenance treatments.

I want to bring up the emsam but I keep losing my nerve. I don't know why I find it so hard to advocate for myself. Maybe next time I see the nurse. Should be sometime this week or next. She's the one contacting the hospital about ECT. She said I could do it but I know in my condition I don't have the energy to make phone calls.

It's only been a week of this utter despair and hopelessness and only two months of depression but it feels like it's been going on forever.

I just don't know what to do.