Hello, folks,
I'm not too clear about the times of some of these episodes but I do think that I recall my doctor played with diagnosing me with BPII when I went through my first massive spending spree, amongst other reasons. In the past month or so he has thrown Schizoaffective on my chart.
I am not allowing myself to search for symptoms of any mental illness because of what I
think may be an irrational fear, but I don't want to take a chance betting if it's rational or irrational. I also feel as though I
might have had 5-6 genuine delusional days. These weren't any sort of days full of sensory hallucinations; the only thing that I feel comfortable divulging is that these delusions, when fit together, explained everything. I still think that I may be right, I'm just a little skeptical about how I could explain it to anyone.
But to my topic: spending sprees can be a sign of hypomanic episodes, I think? People who have BPII may be prone to having hypomanic (not
hypermanic , although you can have one or the other?). Do I understand that correctly?
I think that it was December 2015 that I had my two-day $8,500+ spending spree. What I haven't told anyone (although I'm on a first name basis with the delivery folks and my caregiver has to manage unpacking and getting the shipping boxes to the dumpster) is that I never really stopped spending. If I even come within $10,000 on a credit card limit, the banks will double my limit. Or more. I have two accounts with Barclays and I received two noticed in the mail telling me that they were increasing my limit on one card to $30K and to $34K on the other. And those are just TWO cards. The two that I use most often. I have various other Visa/Amex/MasterCard accounts and five other store cards for a total of 13 credit cards.
I have a very realistic fear that I might be approaching the point of overextending myself. It isn't a problem yet. I know what I need to pay my monthly expenses but I don't use any sort of budgeting to manage my money... I do it all in my head. And my memory is a little shot right now so I'll get unexpected deliveries and open the boxes to see what in the world I ordered.
About ten days ago I ordered $193 of Swiss Colony summer sausage and cheese. I ate one of the individual sized sausages and it made me sick. The cheeses – Colby, Swiss and Cheddar – all taste the same.
I feel as if I have written all of this here previously. Not only the part about the credit cards, but also my FICO score and the Swiss Colony stuff. I'm just having these giant memory losses and even though I'm able to watch my every movement, I haven't found a good, inexpensive keylogger for iOS. I need to be more diligent about looking for that.
And yesterday, I ordered $600+ for two more pair of reading glasses and more underwear. At the suggestion of a friend I ordered a different type of underwear than I have ever tried. They feel luxurious – nothing like the Brooks Brothers boxers that I was accustomed to wearing. I'm approaching having nearly 100 pair of these new boxer/briefs in just over a month. I had to buy a larger chest of drawers so that my caregiver could have room to store them.
I don't know how much I've written. I cannot re-read what I've written any longer but I can't say why, either.
So. Has anyone with BPII ever had this problem with spending sprees that seem to go on and on? If so, is there any type of treatment for it? Meds? Therapy? SOS? I am wary of what to tell my therapist lately and I feel a little reluctant to tell him this.
I don't want to do anything weird like cutting my cards... but if there's anyone who has gone through this I would really appreciate it if you could explain what you
feel when you have the
need or the urge to spend (particularly online, if that's applicable) or, if it's a catalog or online or out of stock purchase, what it feels like as you're awaiting arrival.
If you get to the point where you can open the packaging and actually see the purchased item(s) (I use the "if" because sometimes I can't get that far — seeing "Apple Watch Edition" along with the description is usually as good as viewing or feeling the object itself), what do you feel then?
Not really "finally," but close — what do you do with your purchase(s)? Do you just go ahead and use the merchandise? Do you return it (if possible)? Do you hide it? Throw it away? Give it away? I'd really like to know the answer to this question!
I'll play by the rules and answer my own questions first.
My "trigger" to get into spending spree mode is any kind of message that reminds me of my almost limitless credit and a kind of "you deserve the best" way of thinking.
As an example – shortly after finally receiving my iPad Pro (which I kinda/sorta ordered with a case (the Apple keyboard and the silicone back) I still wanted a leather case. There were quite a few in the $40-75 range that looked very nice but I paid almost $300 for a custom made leather case. It's in my Apple Stuff box in my den (along with three additional iPhones, four additional Apple Watches and three additional iPad Pro's with one used iPad Air 2). The Apple box is also crammed with accessories. I have one iPad Pro screen protector that I use and nine within retail packaging in the box that have never been used. I don't know what made me think that I needed ten screen protectors, but when I saw one that I thought might be better than others, I bought two of each.
I'm not going to go on and on about my boxes. With my caregivers help, my purchases are well sorted
I'll just say that I think that I am, at the start, looking for self gratification and that my available credit makes me forget that my monthly statement is going to show up in my inbox or mailbox at any time. So that's my "reason" (I think?) for actually going shopping on the Internet. Maybe my "justification" would be a better word.
(I need to include this in my signature but, for those who don't know, I have no legs and I am unable to transfer to an automobile, hence the necessity of shopping online.)
So money isn't (yet) a problem and when the trigger hits I've already convinced myself that I have a genuine need for
something – I'm just not certain what. Yesterday, feeling how comfortable these underwear are and having nothing at hand to clean my glasses, I visited the UA website and spent $200 or so there and then travelled to the absolute finest eyeglass site on the web –
coolframes – and bought two pair of reading glasses, at $193 and $182. Just short of $600 and that's a small figure for my weekly purchases.
Between the time that I decide to make a purchase, through the time that I'm shopping and even up to the day that I receive a message which includes my tracking information, I'm emotionally elated. I feel better and have a little more energy. I have two apps that I use to track packages but I prefer one, named "Deliveries," and from the moment that I actually "see" the package(s) move from place to place I feel (this is going to sound bizarre and I'm wondering if I should even mention it) a kind of sexual anticipation. The shopping even has a kind of sexual feeling.
When the package(s) arrive I go into an almost frenzied feeling to open them.
If there are, for example, items that have even more packaging, I just set the items to the side. If it's underwear or other clothing items in clear bag, I'll just set them on the sofa for my caregiver to wash before I wear anything.
I will sometimes take items out of the packaging if it's a first for me. I wear and use my first Apple Watch Edition. I don't know what my reasoning is when I order, for example, three or four of the same Watch. Every one of them is the same.
My hypergraphia has been really giving me some problems lately. And Friday was the last day that I slept. I'm sleepy
now but I know that I couldn't sleep if I tried right now.
IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE IN THIS ERRATIC MESSAGE, PLEASE READ THE THIS PORTION OF MY MY MESSAGE, PLEASE!!!l
- I have, I think, some kind of fixation concerning shopping sprees.
- It begins with any kind of trigger that reminds me that I have a large amount of available credit
- When I realize I that I can purchase almost anything, I feel an urge (almost sexual) to shop
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02/03/2016
Yes, that was written on Sunday, January 31. I seem to have copied the text to an editor and continued the list until I was exhausted. I've already deleted that part, the remainder, of the message, as it seemed over-indulgent, going through each feeling that I experienced along the way, from the tingle of deciding to shop along and along until my regrets of purchasing.
I just want to know if others share these spending sprees and, if so, if they just go on and on or if there is some method of reducing the urge? They aren't, as I said, a problem yet but I feel as if they could become a problem.
Thanks,