Hi, my name is Jeff.

For anyone reading this, thank you for taking the time. If you identify with any of the stuff I'm describing, or just have any advice, I'd appreciate your words.

Some info on diagnoses, counseling, meds: I've been in an out of counseling for three years, and I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Took Zoloft for a year and it didn't feel like it was doing anything for me. I've done a few tests for cyclothymia, but received no official diagnosis and haven't had anything that feels like hypomania for about a year. Recently, I read about dysthymia and it was like reading about my own experiences. So, right now, it makes the most sense to me that I'm suffering from dysthymia (and possibly double depression). Considering going on medication again (Wellbutrin), so if anyone has anyone has taken that, feel free to share your experiences.

My main concern currently: I've been doing a lot of self-isolating for the past year. Part of me wants to attribute this to the stage of my life I'm in (I'm a senior in college). I have a ton of stuff on my mind, obviously, and it feels like things are just gonna end up wrong no matter how much I worry about them. This is a common thought for twenty-somethings, I know. The isolation has benefited me because it allows me to sit and ponder what I enjoy and what I could tolerate career-wise.

But I think I've been enjoying the isolation too much, and it feels like my life is falling apart a little bit. Or maybe it's just my relationships falling apart. I have a girlfriend who is the only healthy connection I have. We're going to move to Arizona in August when she gets into grad school. We both live in Indiana right now, so if I maintained any friendships I have right now, it would require long distance communication. I've carved out time for that communication in the past when my high school friends had to move to other states, and I hate myself for feeling incapable now. Perhaps it's not even incapability, but an outright desire to cut ties with the people I've cared for and who have cared for me.

I feel guilt for the ambivalence that has replaced my love and affection for the people who matter most to me. I leave texts and e-mails unanswered. Several friends have called me to tell me they think the friendship has become "toxic" because they have to do all the emotional labor, while I fall off the face of the earth. They tell me they have to end the friendship, and I tell them I understand, and I'm almost relieved because I don't have to end the friendship myself. There is no long-lasting sadness about this loss, but I am also someone how dissociates to cope.

Discussing my mental health with my friends ahead of time did nothing to prevent this; I understand these were decisions they had to make for themselves. I realize my decision to let my friendships die is affected by my mental health, but they're still decisions that hurt others, so I take responsibility while struggling not to hate myself. It just feels like I'm waiting for the next text/call from another angry, hurt friend.

When I get to Arizona, I don't think the guilt will be enough to stop me from isolating. I plan on cutting off contact with my family because I can no longer keep up an act on holidays (it feels like no one wants to be there, people are constantly asking why I seem so nervous, my parents were emotionally neglectful/physically abusive/gaslighting, and my six siblings have always seemed ambivalent about me).

My girlfriend will be the only person I hang out with. And I'm okay with that. It feels like I'm not going to be able to care enough about the people who want to be my friends, and I don't want to hurt them too, so I will just remain reclusive to prevent that from happening. But that isn't what I want. I want very much to not feel this way, but I don't know if I'm capable of following a social script anymore without becoming exasperated. It feels like anyone I encounter/get close to will sense there's something wrong with me, or say that I think too much, or will just ask why I seem so nervous.

There's more I want to say, but this post is long.