Last post now. I have located a diary facility and I'm a bit torn writing here so I'll transfer this whingefest to there. Especially now my mind is on women - kryptonite to this superman.

Slightly anxious about this date now. Trying to resist the temptation to give it any more significance than it might be due and I am super-aware that I've been living a very sheltered and isolated life so have to be careful not to come off too strong and act like a creep, or be too open about how hellish the last few months have been and depress her, or be so cool and unsociable in the attempt not to be over-the-top that I give her the impression that I'm not interested in her, or be so anxious that I get a bit too drunk and make a fool of myself. I say slightly anxious, I could be super-anxious if I really thought about it but (1) she lives abroad and is only visiting "home" so it's not like anything major can develop anyway, (2) I'm more bemused than anything right at this moment, (3) I'm not even sure how far I would let things go anyway - I haven't been sexually active in some 4 or 5 years and my mood has been so low recently that there's been no sexual impulse there at all. I'm not sure I can just turn it on out of the blue because some pretty woman makes a pass at me. Then again, I thought that the last time before meeting my ex-girlfriend and it turned out I was actually the other way when the opportunity arose. Maybe my drive only works when there's someone to connect with? I never did really get into porn or anything like that - it's all a bit impersonal and voyeuristic and fake. Oh, and (4) I kind of get the impression she likes me on some level and it's deeper than most things. I've known her 20-odd years and we always got on really well. And (5) we met about 5 years ago when she was home then and she was in the process of ending a long term relationship, and we were at her parents and....well, I just got the impression that things could have easily went a lot further had we been alone. I'm not someone who normally overestimates my ability to attract - I'm the very opposite - but, yeah, she likes me on some level. How much I'm not sure but I guess I'll find out soon. And (6) I've been bored and lonely recently and annoyed at myself for avoiding women for 90% of my adult life due to being ashamed of my problems so if someone I actually like wants me in their life in any form then I'm game. I can see time ticking on.

I've replaced depression for anxiety about misreading signals (either way), performance if things did ever go that way, falling too much, and anything else that can come to mind. I guess that's a trade up?

Smartest thing to do is assume it's purely friendly. I know. It's just my way to play out the worst, best, and every scenario in between in my head beforehand. It's good to have a change of scenery as far as things to worry about goes. You can see how I struggle with women. I'm an angst-ridden mess when trying to navigate my way through decisions or manage events so the speed of dating catches me out.

I find it difficult to be spontaneous and most women don't fancy hanging around for a few months whilst the awkward guy they just made a pass at works out his feelings. I've rebuffed women I've fancied, regretted it, felt in love with them for years afterwards.....it's ridiculous. I wish I had more of the "typical male" (oh dear - did I not say on another thread how much I hated these statements but here it is)........more of the typical male predatorial instinct to quickly get attracted, have a quick fling, and move onto the next woman. It's what women expect from men and it really confuses them when a man doesn't behave in that way. I'm just weird. I never wanted to pick up a beautiful stranger in a bar, I don't think my affections have ever been split between people, and I've always just had this thing in my mentality where maybe I would let somebody close to me at times...but only one person....and I'll probably be really wary and ultimately I might withdraw, or even bottle out of the whole process entirely.

But this is different because it's someone I know and have worked out how I feel about so.....play it friendly, but be prepared for anything. Definitely not pushy (not that I could initiate anything right now - reactive mode definitely), and absolutely not maudlin. Talk about her. Just be decent. Friends. Absolutely.