Tough, complex situation. Only you know what you feel and what you need. Who am I to question who you say you are but since you ask, I'll play devil's advocate. It is hard to understand logically. So, sorry but here goes...

In the end, it's really only you and your immediate family who matter. So, if you are not going to change your status with your wife and family, it seems like it would be easier for you, her and your children if you did not "officially come out". Unfortunately, doing that will give you the public label you loath, whether you like it or not. Do you want to maintain your marriage just because you don't want the pain and inconvenience of divorce? The pain of losing the woman who might be your best friend? Angering and confusing your children? The anxiety you lose by coming out will be replaced with anxiety of being a labelled gay father in a heterosexual marriage. I can see pressure from both gay and straight sides. And again, all that anxiety just to assign yourself a label (and you don't like labels).

So, I guess all of those logical things seem to contradict what you're saying and that's what makes it hard to understand. But, there are precedents all over the world where the heart contradicts the brain and it all works out.

Good luck buddy. I hope you find peace.