Bighands,
Thanks for your response. Believe me, I asked my therapist at the last session if coming out will be the solution to my anxiety problems...and I even asked whether this one issue might go away but to be replaced with another. It is scary....kind of the reason I've kept it hidden for 30 years and 20 of marriage. I am definitely afraid of all those things you mentionned, losing a lot to gain an unknown.

You see...if I don't do anything the anxiety will remain and will tear me apart. However if I do, one anxiety will be gone and then I deal with the next...if it exists. The status quo is not healthy.

And I recognize I don't have all the answers. Many supportive friends have asked me what I want...all I can say is health and happiness. What form that takes...I don't know...but I have to start somewhere. My coming does not mean I want to live a "gay life", but I want to live "my life as gay". You see, there is nothing wrong with acting gay, talking gay, looking gay, being gay....yet still being committed to a heterosexual spouse. At least in my world, one does not exclude the other. And limiting my outing to just close family...well it just means I'm hiding to 5-10 less people...there's still 7 billion others out there I'm hiding from/lieing to.