So I was out Friday night with people I know. And I was juts stilling there and sitting there and sitting there. I didn't speak to anyone really, just some stupid hi how you doing. My response was peachy. That's what I say when I'm doing really crappy. I know what I mean even if they don't. I use that response cause who really cares if I'm not doing well? It's just a polite question to ask an acquaintance when you see them. Ya really don't care if they are not ok. Alright well anyways, I'm sitting there and all that keeps running through my head is why am I here? No one cares. No one would care if I never showed up again. Not a single one of theses people care. How do I feel so alone in a room full of people that I have known for 3 years and plus? How sad and pathetic is that? Of course I just sat there. I started to sketch a little. Who sits in a bar and draws? Who sits there in a room full of people that you are supposed to be friends with and you have never felt so alone in your life? I would have left but getting up and moving just seemed to be too much of an effort. I'm rambling, I know. I'm sorry. I don't have anyone else to tell this to. I could tell my therapist tomorrow but... I dunno. I have been seeing her for a couple months now and we have never gotten into anything real when I was there just a bunch of stupid stuff that really doesn't matter. I am soooo lonely and I'm tired of it. I take everyone and hold them at arm's length. I just want someone to push their way past. I just want someone to see me. But they never do. No one ever notices me. I don't want to disappear... I don't need to want to cause I already have. So I went home and cut. I cut up my stomach. It made it better. It was the first time I have done that since January. I don't know how it made it better but it did. I hear people talk about how they have a rush afterwards or it's like this huge relief. But it has never been like that for me. I can't explain it but it helped. I don't want it to though. No matter how far I go I always end right back at the beginning dealing with the same crap over and over and over again. It's never ending. I'm just so tired of it. I wanna sleep.