I think there's this idea about rape and sexual abuse that it happens in dark alleys by strangers and people who kidnap children. Of course that kind of abuse exists and it is horrible. But it is comparatively quite rare, the exception really. Usually there is much more of a relationship between the abuser and the abused. Often it's a close relationship and there are parts that feel loving or flattering or sexy and pleasurable.

For me and I think many others it's that aspect, the parts of the abusive relationship or incident that felt good, that are the source of so much shame. The sense that OMG I colluded with this sick thing, I allowed this to happen, there were parts of it that I liked or wanted, it made me feel special etc.

So you torture yourself and feel like a sick and dirty person.

But if someone gave you poisoned chocolate cake would you blame yourself because it tasted good? Is it your fault that you were hungry and believed that someone was being kind and giving you a delicious treat? And of course you trusted them, it wasn't a random stranger giving you cake, it was someone who was supposed to be looking out for you and taking care of you. You needed to be cared for. Everyone does.

You are not gross or dumb or dirty. The shame belongs to the abuser. Junk DNA your abuser was evil and awful and hideous. You definitely are none of that. You did not deserve what happened and you don't deserve the shame and trauma.