going to pdoc appt tomorrow. i've not been totally honest with her over the years about my level of paranoia.
i'm so paranoid that i will probably delete this before the people watching us on here have time to track me. (challenging this belief - logically probably not that many people would really spend time in here lurking and watching us (?) i hope?)
i have left this forum twice now because i thought it was too public and i would be found out. (challenging this thought: in my heart i don't really give a **** what people know or think about me, if they found out i'm bp and are unkind to me for it, wouldn't need them in my life anyway) (another challenge to this thought - if "they" are watching me they probably don't see me as a threat to any national security because i'm just the poor sorry bp mess). But - what if they send more mind control on me, what if i crack and can't handle it and get locked up
how much paranoia is expected with bp? she has told me it is expected with a busy mind. she has told me even hearing your name or songs looping or phrases repeating are expected with a busy mind. she told me i do not have schizophrenia, and that we would know by now if i did.
Only one time i heard a voice, a creepy voice say a weird thing - i'm too paranoid to even repeat it. i was at a public place where the electricity went on the fritz and car alarms went off. i thought the voice was from the radio in the store. i posted about it here but it was several years ago & it's gone of course, i would have had proof that i experienced it. the next day a terrible thing happened, or supposedly happened, it could've been a hoax. i thought it was a regular random psychic moment, altho upsetting, why did i need to know that horrible thing was going to happen. then recently i found all this info and people proving that horrible thing didnt really happen. the school wasnt even open at the time, there's all this proof it did not really happen and i read about mind control and project mk ultra, started going down the rabbit hole. but the consequences are severe for speaking out.
what will happen at the appt tomorrow if i tell her about this? will i get a new dx, will i get locked up? the mania is mostly under control with the new meds. i had a horrible day with stress at work & anxiety & then come home to a man who doesn't seem happy to see me. so i can see some agitated hypo is surfacing. i'm tired of the paranoia, i'm sick of being afraid, i want to know the truth. i want the people pulling our strings to be accountable.
sigh..