That's it exactly. I had thoughts like that from...I'd guess about age 10 (and even before then I felt very different) all the way up to probably my 20s. To be honest I still identify strongly with it all. I can remember the confusion and bitterness of "why would the world not tell me, especially my family". I imagined the scene at the hospital - "Well Mrs XXXXX, it's the worst case we've ever seen. He can't ever know. We'll just pretend it isn't there in him". It's obviously not a rational thought but the feeling exists, just the same. Otherness - and not of a superior type but something to be pitied, demeaned, mocked....and deserving of it all....so deserving that not even an explanation was owed. I guess as far as self-esteem goes then that's a bad mental landscape to inhabit.

It's all so bloody narcissistic but it's self-defeating rather than self-aggrandising....it's still "self" though. Self self self self self self self self self self self self self self self self......hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate....that's how my brain goes all the time. It's against the self-preservation instinct that should be in people to be so obviously self-defeating. Maybe I worked out at a young age that I got more attention if I made myself vulnerable or something like that, and now it's hard-wired into my brain to extract maximum pain and angst from every situation? For whatever reason, I've adopted a lot of feelings that do not serve me, and I know that, but I still find it impossible to put them down because they are so central to me and early in my development. I don't even remember 99% of being under 14. I've got a few early memories in life but childhood as a whole is in fog. I can't really blame anyone else though for anything based on what I remember. My parents, sisters, extended family are good people - all work, form families, never been in jail, pay their taxes, have social lives, raise children - and they've put up with my nonsense over the years (even at the times when I wished they would cut me loose and let me find my natural place in life - as I felt it).

Sigh.....I don't know. I find the process of trying to find the first fault and underlying reasons for feelings really difficult to do. I have extreme feelings about myself that I don't really understand but I'm actually a pretty logical and rational person (honest). The feelings still persist though.

My memories of women making a move on me are really amusing really. Some are pretty sad, and they all show how appalling my self-esteem has always been (because 90% of them were absolute strangers to me), but some of them are really funny to remember. How awkwardly I would reject things, how stunned I'd be, how desperate or drunk they might be.....the whole gamut of possibilities. What a collection of lunatics they must have been!

Most of them were in my early 20s when I was going out. They weren't good times for me though at all. In fact I think, barring one who I knew in another way anyway, that I rebuffed every single one simply because I hated myself, knew I was in emotional turmoil, and had got used to thinking of myself as someone who had no interest in connecting with anyone in any way, and especially not just for sex, or I would just be too awkward and inexperienced to handle the attention. Not that there were that many but if you are out drinking with friends enough times and the music stops and everyone piles out then you do end up getting the odd person who has just decided to pull any man possible. I don't regret avoiding all that. I never really felt that attracted to the idea. Maybe that's love-shyness or something? I never had a problem with the idea of the girl next door, and friendship building up into relationship and all that (and it's a pity that wasn't how it went), but the pace of clubs and drunken pick-ups always catches me out. My feelings are too slow to react.

I do regret some other times though when someone I actually liked would show interest in me and I would be too pessimistic to allow myself to try. I would just shut them out through awkwardness or instinct. People have assumed I'm gay at times. My parents even hit me with that and I wasn't a kid. I think I was in my late 20s.

Drunk parents, straight off the bat as I come in on a weekend night - "You're obviously gay."
Me - "I'm not."
Them - "You know...it's okay to be gay."
Me - "I'm not gay."
Then the patronising way they'd say my name as if to say "lets be honest for a minute."
Them - "You've never got a girlfriend. You don't show any interest in them. You've never brought a girl to meet us."
Me - "How many boyfriends have I brought home? How does this make me gay?"
Them - "It's okay to be gay."
Me - "You're drunk. I'm not gay."

Bloody cheek of it! "It's okay to be gay...". It's not okay to automatically assume your son's a liar when you ask him personal questions and he sincerely responds though! That's rude. I'm 5 times as liberal as them. I know it's okay to be gay. It was always okay with me. That doesn't mean I am gay. They actually thought I might be some self-hating gay rather than something else (like just a self-hating straight man). I can see how it would happen though. They'd look at the problem, think about reasons why that might be, and then latch onto one that seemed to make sense. God knows what they think I am now. They married at 17 and 19 so my life must be very odd to them. I don't think the subject was ever pursued after that. They've still never met a girlfriend. Saying that, there's only been one since that they might have and I was always happy keeping her separate.

They've probably assumed I'm into kids or animals now! People are so funny sometimes.