I've been reading a bit about this recently and even took the test here (it says the average score is around the mid to upper 60s. I scored an even 70, and 82 and above is covert narcissism).

The evidence seems to be piling up: nothing makes me emote like my own "inner hell" of guilt, anxiety, and hopelessness over feelings of failure and inferiority. I rarely feel anything deep for other people, though I want to. Even the times I have cared or worried about others, it had selfish motives underneath - worrying a parent wouldn't be able to take care of me, or wanting a lover to give me another chance. Even though the concern felt genuine on my end, I ultimately just wanted to avoid pain (also, I have no idea how to love someone. Like really, deeply, emotionally love them. It feels like the few short, sexless relationships I've had were more about having someone who made me feel lovable). Some of the time I feel like a selfish child who wants her way and feels internally sulky when it doesn't work out - I'm too proud usually to complain outwardly, even if I feel disappointed that, say, we had to cancel plans because someone was sick.

Today I was reading about a potential decision to require women to register for the draft. The thought of required military service actually makes me physically depressed, the thought of being required to give several years of my life to something I don't want to be involved in, plus the notion that I'm so worthless and expendable I don't even get a choice in being can on fodder, in being maimed and traumatized or maybe killed. Yes, this is how I thought about it, me me me. Then it occurred to me that this is probably how many men feel about it too...really, there shouldn't be a draft at all! I can't argue with the reasoning that it's unfair discrimination to not require women to register, even though I'm distressed about this being a potential worry. But I'm so selfish I don't know if I'd want to fight even if there was reason to...

I'm already writing too much. I've written before lengthy tracts about my myriad stupid problems, most notably my obsession with intelligence and growing lack of faith in my own. I don't know what I expect from that. If people tell me I'm smart, I don't - can't - believe them. But I spew this emotional garbage all over the site hoping to find resolution... or maybe just sympathy? What it all I'm doing is trying to get attention with an exaggerated self-hate, and none of my feelings are to be trusted? What if all my negativity is just manufactured to elicit affection or attention, or as an excuse for laziness? What if I really am arrogant and am just faking? How can I trust myself knowing my own self-centeredness?

All this considered, can narcissism be cured? I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be sick and cruel and unable to connect with others. I worry that even the visceral, emotional empathy I sometimes experience is selfish and fake...help...