I'm not back at a place where I am suicidal but I've had a lot of ideation for a few weeks or more. One thing I noticed is that usually I "snap out" of my ideation and realize what I've been thinking about that that scares me. But I can tell when I am in trouble when I find myself thinking about it and being very comfortable thinking about it.

Lately I've found I've added some strange (for me) ideation ideas to the mix. In the past ideation has always been formulating a plan... How, when, what things I would need.

Earlier this week I was thinking about crashing my car into a pole to get out of a work obligation... Not a fatal crash just messing up my car as an excuse to duck out to the chore the next day.