i still don't know. The doctor today told me I could think about starting another course and just call for an appointment if I decide to do it. She asked me what was stopping me and I mentioned memory loss but honestly it's also because it makes me feel like a huge loser and failure to have to do it again. I didn't tell her that. I felt better last night and today - still depressed but no Intrusive suicidal thoughts. No making plans or feeling like I HAVE to do it. So that's much better than the last week or so. Makes me feel like maybe I'm coming out of this episode and I want to give it a few days to see if I continue to improve or not.

Good news is the doc said I can do the course outpatient and won't need to go inpatient unless I get worse. I'm glad she didn't see me on Wednesday because I definitely would have had to go. I really should have gone inpatient Tuesday but I stuck it out and survived without hurting myself, except for taking a few extra Benadryl, which only served to give me akathesia and make me feel drunk.

So I'll decide by the end of next week what I want to do. I'll hopefully be able to talk to my nurse on Monday and see if she found anything out. She also suggested ketamine infusions, which I've heard about but haven't researched too much. The only clinic In the area that does them makes you pay out of pocket and submit to your insurance company for reimbursement so that's out anyway.