Thanks avlady. I'm not sure what made me so vulnerable either, but everything sets me off and I'm just a mess of impulses.

Let's see: in the last few days I've stressed over failure, money problems, and guilt over my past. In the last 2 hours I've gone from worrying about meaninglessness and that I'm a shallow idiot doing life wrong to depression over sexism (being inferior because I'm female). Yet these have all be interrupted with plans for studying and self-improvement, or temporary greed for knowledge. I'm actually spent by now and just want to block out everything. And now I feel guilty about freaking out, having no self control, and wasting everyone's time.

I had a thought this morning, wondering if there's something in my brain affecting my cognition and emotional regulation. Like if I brain damaged myself. I don't know. But it's getting unbearable and therapy isn't an option right now. Like I said though, I would gladly be drugged to the gills if it meant not being in this kind of pain.