Well I was obviously in a bad state when I wrote this but I'm a little better now. I had a horrible day at work and spent most of the day in my managers office crying and, I'm sure, scaring the **** out of him. I alienated my coworkers, I'll have to deal with that on Monday... I shouldn't have been at work today but I was a little afraid that I would hurt myself if I went home so I stuck it out.

Calmer now, I plan to work on my taxes tomorrow to keep me occupied, email my manager so he's sure I wasn't lying when I said I'd be OK, and on Sunday I'm planning the road trip that I cancelled for the snow earlier this month and that should be fun and uplifting.

I talked to my manager today about the fact that I think I'm losing my desire to find a therapist. I think that I've been struggling with ups and downs trying to work up the energy to find a doctor but the whole time I've had a vision of a path to wellness in my head. Pessimism but maybe a little bit of faith. Now I think I've lost that vision and therefore I have no more drive to seek help. It's been up and down so I can only hope that the energy comes back on Monday. In the meantime I should be OK through the weekend with my plan. I'm sure I'll be here a lot