I've just had a horrific realization, probably the kind I've been unconsciously waiting for.

I'm an abuser. An evil, narcissistic, abusive ***** who does nothing but hurt others, without even trying.

And this new life I lead is my punishment. I'm destitute, and my mental issues I left home to heal are instead getting worse. The only thing that improved is my temper. Other than that I'm drowning in sadness and anxiety. I don't deserve to get better. I don't deserve to be self-sufficient. I don't deserve to be happy or fulfilled. I have no right to feel bad about anything, ever. Not with all the pain I've caused.

But of course everyone want to be happy, and knowing now that I don't even deserve it if I could get it is killing me to think about. I don't even know what to do with myself now. Prison, maybe? I doubt I'd get life though.

As long as I'm admitting hideous things about myself, I'd addicted to self-pity. I just spent 10 minutes in tears over my guilt and my fate. And I can't shrug off the pain there either. The whole time I was being abusive I thought I was the one in pain - even the one being abused! I'm sick and I don't think I'll ever be able to atone for being such an awful person so early in life, and to my own parent. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

It's probably for the best that I posted this in the spiritual forum, because I think I need salvation...