I know that I will have to go through that door sooner or later but right now I don't feel like I am ready to take that step! Just starting to touch on these feelings has set off a emotional roller coaster, the nightmares are back full force, the little sleep, the flashbacks and the new memories. I have figured out that the abuse I survived from my abusers isn't nearly as bad as all the feelings surronding it!!!! My T called me last night and I told him what was happening and why I am feeling like this, first I didn't think he was ever going to call after the way I acted on Sunday, and yes I told him about the door, he said that he consulted his colleague and it is the little girl that is in control now, my emotions are steming from her, not me as an adult. I know this, I told him but I cannot stop it. So he said we are going to work on helping that little girl over the next sessions.....that scares me just as much......how does that happen???

Maybe Stefano is right, that his frustration means he cares, I thought I pushed him away, everyone else I have ever trusted as an adult has hurt or left me, so why would he be different. He says that it is ok, to feel, to talk about it, to be angry at him, but it is not OK to hurt myself. But when the pain is so strong, I self medicate or cut or drink or all three sometimes........that is where he is angry with me!!