I'm here. I did go back to see him, and have been since August. I've done a lot of changing (I feel) in that time apart from him, and even since I've been back, to now. I'm not sure how much, if any, I would contribute to him. I see him because I want to. Because I get something out of it, and he knows this. I've long since stopped wanting or wishing he was anyone than what he is. Which also has put me in a more realistic mindset.

So, it didn't surprise me when things finally turned a different page. I had signed up for a site where you post erotic-type photos (I have a couple of reasons for doing this, and don't feel like going into it). But I mentioned it to him, and he asked to see it. I even told him there were nudes, but he was like, "Yeah, I've seen plenty of tits before, nothing new." So I showed him. He said I looked good, but honestly didn't seem that excited or even into it at all. He sat and analyzed every single photo and even my profile and some of the friends on there. It was fun to have his opinion.

I went back the other night, and, lo and behold, he wanted to see more pictures, but interestingly enough asked in a way in which he didn't appear to be asking (but actually was, because I'm smart and can read between the lines). So, then I asked, "Did you want to see more?" I let him see more. I see where this could possibly be going...I'm not dumb. I'm sure there was a part of me that was hoping this would happen, but I also realize that this is just an easy way to get his rocks off without much effort on his part, and that in no way should I consider it flattering or even validating. And you know what? It's almost not. It's almost insulting. I can't even decide how I feel. There were definitely a couple of times where I could have made a move, and I chickened out completely.

I already know what everyone is going to say to this, so I'm hesitant to even write about it. I know it's wrong. I'm not sure how much I'm even still jazzed by him. I run my own sessions now, so a lot of the time we just end up debating about topics and whatever, which is nice, because I don't have anyone to do that with. I guess I'll just ride this train until it dies. I probably sound insane, but oh well. I'm just exploring. At least I'm not crying or depressed about it anymore. I'm actually really glad to say that. I'm doing pretty well in all of my non-therapy related life. My family and friends have all been proud of my change and in attitude. I really do try. I'm just not perfect, and that's okay, too.