And I can't imagine making it through the day. I'm agitated and just want to cry. Self harm thoughts are high. I thought I was getting a little better but no such luck.

I miss my husband terribly. I had a dream about him. We were at his funeral and he miraculously woke up and started breathing again. But even in my dream I knew it wasn't real. But I think that's what has triggered this awful emptiness inside me today.

I was supposed to take my son to a birthday party but he has forgotten about it and I just can't fathom driving that far (it's 45 mins away) and especially not in this condition. The urge to crash is too high and I don't want to risk hurting my son. He deserves to live. I don't.

I'm hanging out with my sisters in law, my brother, and brother in law later. I've decided I will most likely not drink. If I do I may hurt myself impulsively. I have a mostly full bottle of Benadryl that I could see myself taking if I am impaired. So I decided to meet them at their house instead of having them come here so that way I have to drive and I won't drink and drive.

I'm just so upset. I wish my husband could come back to life and be here with me. I can't imagine doing ECT again without him there to take care of me. No, I'll have to do the treatment then come home to sleep it off for a couple of hours then pick up my son and pretend everything is ok. It's so hard to pretend. I don't want to push him away so I try to hug him and kiss him even though the physical contact is so draining for me. I don't want him to think I don't love him.

I wish I could believe in long term stability but it doesn't seem possible anymore.