After months. MONTHS, of not hearing or feeling hide nor tail of anyone else up there, suddenly I'm transitioning and having a rough time sleeping and recollecting my days. I haven't slept in over 24 hours now, I have holes in my timeline and I'm starting to realize that that part isn't new. I've had holes in the past months, but I just figured it was bad memory or something.
Hah.
Bad memory my @$$.

It's not that I don't love my alters, at least the ones that I have now and the ones that I know of. I used to have more than I do now, but during the year and a half of college that I actually attended, I was on medication that was helping I guess. It was blocking them out, keeping them inside. And a lot of them went away, disappeared. I don't know where they went. And I actually miss some of them... It's come to a point where they're like friends that I can rely on and confide in and can fall back on. That probably sounds terrible, I'm sure, but when life gets too much to handle, it's nice to know that there is someone else much more capable to take the wheel for a while.

Jimmy and Will are all that I have left, that I know of.

I'm not sure if that I'm transitioning again is a good thing, or a bad thing. I mean, it must mean that they know I need them, but I don't want to HAVE to need them. I want to be able to be strong enough to handle reality on my own without them as...basically a crutch. But at the same time, I'm glad they're there because now I don't feel as...alone.

The first time that my alters disappeared, I felt so alone and so empty. I lived with it, obviously, because a lot of my other problems were feeling better, but there was that constant emptiness. A different kind of emptiness than the usual one, I suppose. And this all probably sounds terrible because I'm so out of my mind right now. I'm so tired and so stressed out and I'm keeping Jimmy at bay at least long enough to finish writing this because I just need to get this all off of my chest and out of my head.

I've found myself falling back into old habits. Sleeping too long or staying up all night and then expecting myself to be able to function the next morning. There is no happy medium.
I'm not eating like I should be. I either eat so much in one sitting that my stomach feels like it's going to explode, or I go for a day or so without eating so much as a snack.
My thoughts actually went to the dark places that they used to yesterday.

But they're back. Jimmy and Will are back.
It's difficult to explain it to my boyfriend. He's confused. He doesn't understand. Most of the time, I don't understand, so how do I explain to him? I don't know my triggers anymore, I don't know much about Jimmy and Will. They're not my old System. I knew their triggers. I knew the situations that would bring them about, and I had a good thing going with them, where I could be co-conscious with at least a few of the main alters.
My best friend that went through this with my the first time, she isn't speaking to me. And my other friend that knows about this is talking to Jimmy and Will when they surface but...

I don't know.
I'm just so....not in the right headspace, I guess?
I don't know how to feel at this point.
I don't know whether to be thrilled that I'm not alone in my own head anymore
or terrified at what it might mean that they're suddenly back.

And will I still have the same kind of control as I had before? So far it doesn't seem that way.
So what happens if I transition at work? I don't know what they're like, really. All I know is that Jimmy swears extensively and Will is a huge flirt. Both of which could get me into trouble at work...

I just don't know what to do.
I'm not even really sure what I'm doing by writing this except getting it all out there.
I listen to myself sometimes as I'm writing stuff like this, venting, and I just...second guess myself and delete it all. Because who would believe any of this crap?

Well...I don't know what else to say, or even if there is anything else that I can say.
Thank you for listening, I guess? Or reading. Or whatever...