I'm betting that through all of this, you've thought about how you'd be a different kind of parent than your folks have been - especially your mother since that's what you are faced with every day. What advice would you give your own daughter if she was in such a situation? Of course, that'll require some mental gymnastics because your daughter couldn't be in that situation unless you were playing the part of your mom...but try it.
Here's my take on the situation: Like attracts like. Your mom and dad were equally immature, their respective immaturity manifested itself differently, but they were compatible at one point - at least to the extent that two emotionally immature people could be compatible in the type of relationship that requires maturity. They both did their best and their best stunk. There's no reason for resenting someone who did or is doing their best - especially because it only hurts you, and you did nothing to deserve pain from their union.
You either choose to be the parent in this situation and parent her or you be the child and live your own life. So, if you're going to be the child in this relationship, then you'll have to accept that you're a grown child and grown children go off and live their own lives. If on the other hand, you choose to be the parent in this situation, then it's high time your 'child' got some tough love and was forced to accept some responsibility. Like your dad said,
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From there he immediately launched into a long rant of his own about how my mom was pulling us kids down to stay with her forever and make her feel better and never encouraging us to leave the nest, get jobs and be functional adults- how she bought extra pets to make us feel bad about moving out and leaving them, and all sorts of little things to hang onto us "like tentacles". Honestly, this idea was a shock to me, but made a lot of sense. He asked me if she ever told us to get jobs, and I said yes. He asked if she ever told us to move out and find places of our own, and I said no. He shook his head in disappointment and said, "That's what I mean. That's insane."
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You agree that this made a lot of sense. Either you get out and live your life like a functional adult - or parent her by making her get out and live her life like a function adult (i.e. without her children taking care of her emotionally). It sounds like your mom doesn't have relationships as much as she takes hostages.