Hi Mercede, my situation is somewhat different then yours bus a little the same.

I'm gay. I grew up suspecting this and was terrified. I was always small and scrawny and was teased and called gay all through school (that's where the "dexter" knickname came from... Not the TV show which appeared much, much later). I was also a late bloomer and I was called "gay" long before I understood what "gay" meant.

As I grew to understand the prospect terrified me and I used to wish that I was asexual rather than gay.

Unlike you I was NEVER in a relationship with a girl, I never had any attraction to girls other than friendship ever in my life and never tried to explore or force one.

What is MUCH different is that while there is still a lot of prejudice and stigma here, there is also an open community and I can choose to be out. Most of my friends and coworkers know that I am gay. I am still of the mindset of hiding it that I developed growing up; I am trying to break that as I move forward. That mindset has crippled me in terms of a relationship in that I've NEVER had one (of either sex) and I've realized the "asexual" wish is partly true, but not so true that I don't want a companion in my life, making me extremely lonely now.

I cannot imagine what a different path I would have taken if I were in a society where homosexuality was a criminal lifestyle.

I want to tell you that in my opinion hiding it or denying it is not a healthy option. However your emotional well being and physical safety may be jeopardized otherwise and that must be your overwhelming concern.

I hope you find a satisfactory solution to your problem. Wishing you well and please feel free to talk about it here, this is a safe environment.