I feel for you! I can understand why you felt mortified and not able to trust her to be fully present, especially when you were finally taking a big step by saying your emotions out loud. If I were you I would feel really bad and hurt, too.
I noticed you said that she can't see the clock easily, and I think that's an important factor in causing this situation. This may not have happened if the clock was visible to your T without you noticing. Mine watches the clock behind me so she can be aware of the time, without making me feel rejected.
Also, your T did not say what she was thinking as she was looking at the clock, and it is possible that your interpretation of what happened may not match with her actual thoughts. I could imagine she was actually touched and delighted with your emotional honesty, and wanted to make sure there was enough time to get deeper into it. Her "feel sorry" face may have been her way of saying she cared and felt for you, without taking up your precious minutes. I could be wrong, please disregard if this is not helpful. Just wanted to send you some understanding and suppport!
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Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours
First time posting here (although have read a lot of the threads....amazingly insightful stuff!).
This has been weighing on my mind since my last session and I was wondering if anyone has any experience / insights on something like this issue.
Usually, I am the one to end the session (around 2-5 mins before it ends). It helps me feel in control and like I'm not (overtly at least) dependent on my therapist. My T usually only looks at the clock after I end it or not at all.
At the last session, about 5 mins before we were to end, I suddenly realized I was feeling really emotional and all over the place (caught me a bit by surprise since usually my feelings hit me later). So, I'm usually (and this is something I've mentioned to my T as well) not very aware of my feelings during the session (I tend to operate from my 'head' while in session).
But, this time, when I realized I was very emotional, I just blurted it out to T. Her immediate response was to look at the clock -- she didn't say anything but just looked at the clock and looked back at me. I was just utterly mortified thinking that perhaps she assumed that I was expecting her to extend the session for me -- I covered up saying that I was actually really okay and basically decided to end the session immediately. She still didn't say anything and that was that but had her usual "I-feel-so-sorry-for-you" face (I don't think it's a 'real' face but usually, I don't care about that).
Before I'd spoken, I knew it was about 5 mins before we were to end (I often watch the clock [which I can easily see but she can't] and so, at any point in time, I know how much time is left). And so, I was anyhow looking to get the heck out. But, her immediate (almost unconscious) response to just look at the clock when I said I was feeling super emotional, kind of killed me.
I really don't feel like bringing this up with her -- I don't feel comfortable enough with her to say this. It's been less than a year since I started and there were a couple of other instances where I felt like she honestly couldn't wait to be done. When I have brought up stuff like that, she's usually said it's a projection from my upbringing / mother / family etc (all very valid stuff) and so, she's never ever owned anything on her end. Then again, she has shown that she has cared -- mostly by remembering things I've said even a while ago, being really gentle and completely validating of most of my feelings and experiences (except those related to her or therapy of course).
So, I guess at one level, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, at another level, I am really not sure if I can go on with someone who I suppose I can't trust is fully present for me (although I'm not sure what the latter would look like).
Am I reading too much into her clock reading response? Any thoughts anyone has would be very very appreciated!
My basic problem is that I never know if I'm over-reacting / being over-sensitive or ignoring very real red flags. And, yes, I completely understand that asking a bunch of absolute strangers about insight on a very specific slice of one single session isn't the best strategy but.....!
Thank you for reading so far  |