Three sessions ago my T told me she's pregnant and she'll go on leave at the end of March. She told me at the end of that session. Since then I'm doing less well than I was. Since Oktober/November there was finally some improvement after feeling severly depressed since the end of 2013. I didn't asked for help until the end of 2014 and in January 2015 I started therapy again with my last T. She has been the only T I've trusted aand who had been able to help me with my social anxiety. I didn't had good experiences with T's and therapy before her.

There are 8 weeks until she leaves. That are 8 sessions (if she doesn't have a week off like last year). I've have the choice between getting a T at the agency she works or to look for a T somewhere else. She adviced me to go to a T at her place because then she can give the T some information about what we've done and what not and such. And she can also choose a T for me she thinks could be a good fit for me.
I've to make the choice and if I want to stay there, then we could do the last 2 sessions with the new T; so me, current T and new T.

-> So my T tries to help me through this. She know how hard it is for me. I've all kind of feelings about this: sadness, anxiety, anger, disappoinment, jealousy. It feels like she's abandoning me. But she isn't. Not really. She'll come back and she's helping me with finding a new T. But still.
I think anxiety is what is most there. But there's also anger. And that can be bad for me. I sometimes do bad things when I'm angry at a person. But that is mostly bad for me. Like I feel I should just quit therapy. Send T an email that I quit.

Last session I was already a bit angry before I arrived there. First we talked about what to do with therapy when she goes on leave. And then when we moved on to a next topic, I became quiet. And a bit sad. But I felt anger. Thought went through my mind but I couldn't speak them out loud. I was quiet until the end of the session. I don't think that was long, maybe 10 minutes.
My T said ''it's almost time''. Me: fine. T: do you want to stop? Me: fine. T: shall we make a appointment for next week? Me: fine.
And then we got up. I didn't looked at my T. The whole session I might look at my T two times. I just couldn't look at her. At my leaving she said I could always email her if I wanted to tell something that I couldn't say today. I just shrugged. I don't even know if I said goodbye.
But that last things she said with such a kind voice. And that made me feel so guilty about my behaviour. She has mostly been a good T to me and then I act like this. But I'm also mad, because why should it affect her. She's a T. And from what I've seen, she can keep things seperated, she doesn't get emotional during sessions, she really...a T.
And she has a good life. I can see she's a happy person, comfortable with herself, has a positive outlook on life.

I'm trying to write the email. It's hard. I've copied pieces from my diary. I don't know how to start and end the email.
I'm not sure if I'll send it. I know it's best for me to send it to her and to talk about this in therapy. But I also have the urge to cut her out of my life. Not talking to her, acting distant to her, quit therapy. Last session I walked toward the waiting room and I thought about going back home. She's lelaving me while I still need her, so f*kc it. I now she will come back, but the leave is at least 4 months and I don't want a new T.

I'm such a spoiled greedy selfish mean *****.