I know I'm very lucky to have the support I have. My mom and I didn't get along for awhile there but I got over it and now she's my number one ally.

Today was more of the same, abject depression and misery, zero motivation, self harm thoughts, suicide thoughts. I've been trying to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones - statements like depression can't hurt me, I'm worthy of staying safe, life is worth living, etc. I feel like I'm at war with my own brain. It's exhausting.

I think I'm going to do the ECT, at least the acute series. I really can't go on like this. I'm afraid I may do something. And I'm not being the mother I want to be. I'm going to push for the emsam also, if I can do both at the same time. Maybe they can work together to free me from this hell.