M Blau,

Welcome to PC, you are not alone.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your desperate despair!!
Such darkness feels intolerable.

I really recommend the helpline suggestion.

I have had a lot of help from my country's helpline The Samaritans. That are there day and night and will listen or just be with you until you feel a little stronger.

Posting here is good too, although the replies take a little longer to come through.

People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.