Takeshi,

Something I've thought about repeatedly: I started really tanking emotionally around the same time is started frequenting online forums. It was the first and only substantial social life I've ever had, but it was also a den of constant comparison. From the beginning I was in there with an inferiority complex, asking how to "fix myself", which lately has morphed into posting messed up inferiority/superiority stuff as fact. Early on, around 2013, it was like I was home, I had a life that was MINE, asort-of social circle. But I also became quickly paranoid that didn't actually belong there - and my label had quickly become the source of my self-esteem. So when it finally became clear that I was in with the wrong group (about 8 months ago)... I broke.

I was an internet addict after getting involved. A few days without access gave me withdrawal (still does, actually). Every day, almost as soon as I woke up I would go to check my notifications. You saw how many posts I have: about 50% of them are emotional vomit.

My point is I wonder if it's true that the internet is the reason I'm depressed and emotionally unstable. That thought disturbs me; I don't want to have to abstain from the internet forever. Then again, I had depressive symptoms as young as 9 or 10; I contemplated suicide for the first time at age 11. So maybe throwing myself in to an environment that frequently left me a mess of self-hate was a bad idea.

(It wasn't always bad, though - at times I took a sort of pride by association. I briefly had stints of confidence where I felt like a boss...that faded when I compared myself to other posters).

I'm taking way too long to say I worry the internet made me depressed/crazy. More likely it just amplified it and gave it a voice (the best part really - I barely say anything IRL but post paragraphs online. In some ways I think it actually improved my communication).