I saw my pdoc today and discussed my struggles with my meds. I told her I have been feeling very depressed lately and have been having very negative intrusive thoughts. She suggested trying Rexulti and I told her that I really felt the need to stop taking my meds altogether, and that they haven't really been helping me as much as I had thought they were. There were longer periods of stability, yes, but my anxiety is just as severe as ever and I have severe difficulties with separation (my boyfriend going to work). After telling her this, she told me that what I had just described sounded very typical of BPD and that if I really am borderline, these bipolar meds I've been on would instigate more depression and anxiety rather than easing it. She is unsure of whether I am both bipolar and borderline or if I'm simply borderline, because she has not physically seen me go through hypomania. I know for a fact I have and do sometimes still experience it because other people can clearly see it, including an old pdoc, but I have always been either depressed or in a normal mood while seeing my current pdoc.

She lowered the dosage of my lithium to 600mg and lamictal to 150mg. She said she can tell that my moods have been leveling out a bit, so she wants to keep me on these meds even if at a lower dosage. She also gave me a month's worth of a free sample of Rexulti, just to try it. I'm concerned because from what she's said, borderline is harder to treat than bipolar...and I'm probably both. I know a lot of people here are both. How can you tell when it's your bipolar or your borderline acting up...? I'm now really worried about not getting better, honestly. She suggested CBT but we really cannot afford that right now, on top of my pdoc visits.