I am not a regular poster, but I feel that I have exhausted my resources when it comes to people I can talk to about this in real life, minus T...but I won't see him for two more days and this anger is building within me so quickly that I really, really need to talk about it.

My best friend was sexually assaulted on Monday night. He is physically okay, but of course is dealing with the aftermath of the trauma now. This happened suddenly, with no warning, from a person we thought to be a friend. I wasn't there when it happened--I was a hundred miles away, just for 24 hours, and there was nothing I could do to help.

Now there are plenty of things I can do to help, being a sexual assault survivor myself...but I don't feel like much help. I feel like I'm way more upset than I should be. In fact, my anger is so acute and so intense that it's interfering with my appetite, sleeping pattern, and functionality when I'm not working. While working, I'm able to compartmentalize enough to teach middle schoolers, but as soon as I leave the school, I'm just angry again.

I guess I should mention this: I've been working on my own experience with childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault in therapy...but we've just started. And we had moved away from the topic in light of my new student-teaching experience (I'm about to graduate from college). Suddenly, I'm beyond livid and I wonder if part of it has to do with the fact that I went through this trauma myself and haven't dealt with my anger yet. I haven't, until now, been able to get angry about anything in therapy (and there are many, many things to be angry about) and it seems that now the floodgates have opened.

Now I'm angry every day. Always about this, never about smaller things...but even so, this emotion is so unpleasant...and I feel so hard for my best friend. You hope to the universe that the people you love never have to endure what you've been through. Plus I feel guilty for not being able to stop this from happening...even though I know that makes no sense, since I wasn't even there and couldn't have been.

I feel so mixed up. I don't even know who this anger is for. I'm starting to think that part of it is for me...and that makes me feel worse because my friend is the one who is going through the trauma, not me.

I don't know how to do this. I'm so upset.

I know nothing about how to handle this emotion because up until five days ago, it has been completely repressed. Now it's suddenly a major part of my everyday experience. I have success relieving it a few times a day when I have to do something that requires me to really think...but it just comes right back, as soon as I'm finished.

I'm not sure what to do. Talk to T. Vent to the fora?

Thank you guys for listening.