I think catharsis theory, which is such a tidy structure in a work of fiction, doesn't translate so neatly to real life. Yet this myth, first introduced by father Freud, still seems to prevail.

Therapists are never witness to the full dimensions of our actual lives, no matter how much we talk to them. Nor do they have the omniscient powers to predict what will happen to our attempts to change patterns or hierarchy. It's one thing to plan a confrontation. But the other person is the recipient whose response we can't control or predict. And often there is a larger network affected--those people can't be controlled or predicted either.

I've had many types of conversations with people who've treated me brutally or unfairly. I've occasionally confronted in the moment, more often after the fact. Some have been silent, some have changed their ways, some were sarcastic or "unapologized," one women recruited others to marginalize me. One woman apologized profusely and admitted fault, but the humiliation remained. A couple of times a mediator calmed things down. Sometimes I think there's nothing to be gained and walk away. The best experiences are the discussions that repaired a relationship and instigated forgiveness.

I believe these discussions have to be personal decisions.Sometimes I ask advice then make my own decisions. Sometimes I've confronted someone, but still feel lousy. I don't believe a third party could can tell me what to do or predict the consequences. Ultimately my actions must be my calculation--and risk.