My highs include hypomania, irritability, anxiety. I can be really productive - I've learned lots of new skills when hypo, and (like many others here have said), I've started all kinds of new projects. For a long time I had closets and draws and boxes full of supplies for some new thing I was going to do. For example, I learned to knit. Then I knitted hooded sweaters with pockets for all 6 or 7 (at the time) kids on one side of the family for Christmas. I didn't sleep much, and they came out beautifully! I felt wonderful. And then I crashed, shortly thereafter, and was in a depressive state for probably 6-8 months. Maybe longer, I can't really remember. I have a hard time really remembering much of anything in terms of personal experiences. I think that has to do with my brain wiring, also.

When I'm high, the pressured speech is a major issue for me. There's so much going on in my brain, I can't say it all fast enough, and the connections between things happen so fast, that by the time I get it out of my mouth I've often skipped several connections, so people get lost in what I'm trying to say. I also get irrationally angry at a minute's notice. I'm highly reactive to any perceived slight. I can scream and yell with what others might consider little provocation (and pretty much anyone, myself included after the fact, would acknowledge that my reactions are WAY out of proportion to the situation). I get so angry I want to hit or break things, but I'm aware enough and just in control enough to prevent that...mostly. Sometimes I hit myself instead, just to relieve the urge. I don't think I've ever done that in front of my kids, but my husband has witnessed it.

The same statement that might make me irrationally angry when I'm high will make me severely guilty and make my self-loathing skyrocket when I'm low. I have a lot of the same thoughts as others about being a terrible mother, a terrible spouse. I think it would be better if I was just gone. I fantasize about leaving or about dying. I have suicidal ideation, sometimes to the point where it scares me. But I'm too ashamed to mention that to anyone in real life. Sounds like you already understand a lot of the rest of the depression issues.

I have a very understanding and caring husband. He forgives me, even when I've been terribly ugly to him. He likes to talk about things right away, but has learned that I need space before I talk - that helps me to control what I really want to say at the peak of either my highs or my lows, so that I don't say things that aren't true and that I will regret. Most of the rest of my family/friends don't know I have BP. I've only recently told one of my siblings, and I'm regretting it.

I tend not to be able to maintain lots of relationships; I have a couple that are strong, and otherwise it's based on proximity/convenience - I would term those more friendly acquaintances or 'light' friends. Other issues contributing to relationship management: my anxiety can be debilitating; I may not be able to make plans with someone for months, making it hard to communicate with them because I don't want to offend by always saying no. I can perseverate over what someone else says/does or what I say/do to the point where I can't behave normally around them anymore. And then there's simply that I don't have the energy to keep up with lots of people, so I limit how many friends I actively try to maintain. Also, I use alcohol to self-medicate during both highs and lows, so that's not always awesome - I'm usually able to keep from getting totally wasted, but the more I dull my brain's workings, the easier it gets to function around others sometimes. Until I think about it after the fact and then perseverate (see above).

These are my experiences as someone who does not take traditional medication for BP. I have family members who have/had BP, and their experiences are/were different. My father was promiscuous, bought sports cars spontaneously when we didn't necessarily have the money to, was the life of every party; he was very dramatic and died in an accident where the cause was never discovered - I believe sometimes that he may have intentionally crashed. His sister is barely able keep a roof over her head or stay employed. I don't know nearly enough to know what else she deals with, but I know that there are stipulations about her inheritance that depend on someone managing her finances for her because she can't do it dependably. If you didn't know the various ways BP can manifest, I don't think anyone would group my dad, my aunt and me together under the same umbrella.