No juvenile madness today.

Slept a lot (actually fell asleep some time after dinner and then awoke at 1am - meds or depression or nothing to do - not sure - so it's an early start to the day for me).

Computer goosed - need a new one rather than this old crappy notebook or whatever the hell it is. The screen only works at a precise angle of 56 degrees. Any other angle and it goes black screen. Speakers are goosed. Can't play games. Can't stream. It was my sister's or mum's old laptop from about 8 years ago. It's a nice gesture to let me use it but I need a decent pc again. Must try to get one 2nd hand while I still have cash.

Need to start eating more often too. I'm at one meal a day and throwing half in the bin. Obviously I'm barely expending energy with the way I'm living. Honestly have no idea whether I took meds today. I must be a bit 'off' then.

I think I'll look back on these weeks and months as a time I was a bit unstable. Or maybe the stable me is the worse one? Starting to feel a bit exposed and embarrassed and anxious so thinking about isolating myself again. Meeting old friends seems a bit daunting today. I'm discovering how weak I've allowed myself to become by being isolated. Still, instinct is leading me there because any attempt to better any bit of my life is just a horrible train wreck. Feel ridiculously anxious about nothing much. Lying, shaking, and not sure about what, at silly o'clock in the morning. Got to connect somewhere but feel emotionally damaged, ashamed and anxious enough to avoid it all entirely. Not sure who I am. Not sure there is much "I" left. Maybe too much. I know nothing. Everything I think and feel could be a million miles off in either direction. It squirms like an absolute beast on nights like this though......whatever it is - anxiousness or despair usually with me. Anxiousness tonight.