Hey guys,

This is my first time writing on this forum and all I ask is for some support and some good advice. If you could offer any of these two, I'll greatly appreciate it. So, here's my story.

About a year ago, I was happy. When I say happy, I mean super happy. I was studying and getting good grades, I was a VP in a student organization, it seemed like I had a bunch of friends, had a ****** job, but it helped me pay the bills, met my girlfriend whom I madly fell in love with. It was amazing and I thought that I finally am living the life that most normal people experience.

However, then things started to gradually change for the worse. First I was completely scammed with a new place that I moved to. Then I pretty much a few days later lost my job, so there was no income coming in. To top it all off, I had to hand in my thesis in slightly over a month. So to say the least, I had a lot of stress on my shoulders, since finding a place to stay in the city that I live in is incredibly hard, especially if you have no income coming in. However, I managed to do all of that through a lot of hard work. However, this cost me another thing, I had to drop out of my Master studies, since if I didn't receive any income, I will have to move back home, which was my biggest fear (I was studying in a foreign country where they don't speak English and I haven't mastered the local language, which is why there are so much difficulties with finding a job). That was something that I absolutely had to do in order to receive money from the government and it's something that I still am very ashamed of.

So that was one thing. The next thing was that I was fired from the student organization. I had a lot of disagreements with the president and she in the end fired pretty much the entire executive board. So now I was left without a job, without a student job, without having something to study. Basically with nothing to do for at least a year. That's when my depression kicked in full force.

I started becoming more of a shut in. All of the people that I considered my friends disappeared and I was left completely alone in a foreign land. Well, almost alone, I still had my girlfriend with me. Thankfully she's very smart and she knows a lot about depression, her family has dealt with depression, so she provided a lot of support and kinda was a kick in the *** that I needed to get out of my bed some days. I also knew that in the beginning of January she is going to leave to South America for 3.5 months and I was unsure what is going to happen with us. To me at first it seemed like we're going to try the long distance route, since it's only 3.5 months, I've known a bunch of couples that were fine with studying on exchange and staying together, so it should be fine, right? Well, my girlfriend thought otherwise.

In September I got to know that she is going to break up with me in January. That was because she had a really bad experience with her ex and doing the long distance relationship thing. I of course tried my hardest to change her mind, since it's only 3.5 months, but she's really stubborn. Now I know what most of you are thinking "if I was you and got to know that she's planning to break up with you, I'd dump her right there and then". You might be right, but you have to see my perspective. For me she was literally the only support that I had left. She was the only one that I could talk to about my depression, the only one that I could hang out with in general. We both loved each other and we still do. It's really hard to explain to outsiders, but she's just really different from most people when it comes to relationships. And finally, there was this thing that we said that once she comes back, we'll try again. We'll see what happens, but we'll try again.

However, my depression only got worse and worse, it has even put me in the place of saying that I might kill myself to her. I'm pretty sure that I would have not done that, it was probably more a cry for help and some attention. My depression started to take its toll and she could feel the effects of it in full force. She said that she also started to feel depressed much more often, which in the end made me feel even worse.

The last day we spent together before she left, we pretty much spent crying in each others arms. I could not believe that it's ending this way as well as her. We still said that we will try once she comes back, but I know damn well that my depression is not going to help the chances of it. She also asked me to not write her every day, which was something that I really got saddened by. She explained it as a way for her to clear her head a little bit and get a break from my depression for a bit. I understood what she meant.

So I gave her that space. At least I tried. For the first month I was writing to her every three days or so, which was fine for her. However, for me it was huge pain. Imagine having your only real support you had in life just going far far away from you and you cannot really reach her anymore. I also started to search for ways to socialize and meet new people, because I thought that maybe if I get new friends, it's going to help me cope with my depression. However, when you're not studying or working, making new friends is incredibly difficult. So now I spend days when I have no reason at all to leave my room as well as I have noone to talk to. All of this lead to me becoming really paranoid about her. I just started imagining all of the worst ways she can hurt me, constantly imagining her sleeping with other guys, even though she's not that kind of a girl to be whoring around or anything. And that paranoia led me to have a huge panic attack.

That panic attack happened last Monday. I was feeling so bad, that I called her. And when we talked, I was just at my worst. Crying, mumbling, saying things I shouldn't. Made us both cry. She did manage to calm me down, but in the end I knew that I ****ed up. A few days later I explained that I simply cannot break contact for such long stretches, I have to talk to her. If I don't, my depression gets absolutely terrible. She said that we can talk more often if it's going to help me. However, I know that she would've preferred me give her the space.

I was doing well after that, at least that's what I thought. Until today. Today I came back home a few hours before, with tears running down my cheeks. I made a stupid move, panicked and called her again. This time I think I went overboard. I was not only talking about how I'm feeling, but also about thoughts of hurting myself, how she's the only one I can talk to, only one that I can motivate myself to do something for and so on. She was crying almost as much as I was and said "you have to stop doing this to me". By this she meant calling her and talking about all of those dark thoughts. But I have no idea who to turn to. I promised her that I will never call her to talk about those things again and will try to find someone else to talk to. I'll try doing that, but I'm terrified that I won't be able to find someone. And in the end, I know that this stupid talk really decreased our chances of getting back together.

So in the end, I'm terrified. In a year I pretty much lost everything. Friends, job, studies, social life, now losing the only girl that I love. I know that those two calls will come to bite me in the ***. However, I need to make sure that there won't be any more calls like that again, because if that happens, there will be absolutely no chance whatsoever of getting back. She's literally the only thing that I haven't lost yet due to depression. I'm terrified of losing her completely, because that would mean that the last person I care about when I wake up in the morning is gone from my life. I don't know what I would do in that case.

I really don't know what was the point of this thread to be honest with you. It's mostly emotional drivel that I wrote while fighting away my tears. I hope you can understand what I wrote and let me vent for a little. I just need some mental support and thought that maybe joining a forum like this would help me deal with it when I'm in the most pain. Any and all support is very welcome from all of you guys.