thanks...
i try to be strong and most of the time i can be very strong... im just wore out and tired right now... hard to be strong right now...

today psychologist said he hasnt seen someone my age(26) with such severe anxiety and depression levels in a long time, he said its quite common for inpatients to have such levels but rare for outpatient... (i have been inpatient before... and dont think i have the strength to go through that again)

he told me i have somatization disorder too, which is a new one to me... he said something like i have a psychological evil triangle of war thats torturing me, nearly exactly like that and it was the first doctor i talked to that i felt actually understood how i was feeling, very trapped ..

he said because it does seem to be trauma related and psychological, i CAN work through it with a therapist or counsellor.. that its likely something i can be free from "One day" .. but that i also need to see a psychiatrist and have him treat the disorders accurately so that i can try to regain some control and have the motivation and strength to work with a therapist... this is scary to me, i cant imagine myself any other way... who would i be if i was better..? would i still be myself...?

i quit my old psychiatrist because they misdiagnosed me with bipolar and who knows what else.. i was on 3 antipsychotics, mood stabilizer, benzo, 3 antidepressant, lithium... blah..
today psyhcologist said that in community clinics like that patients like me tend to become over medicated and kicked out the door in a fast food type deal so they can move onto the next patient.. i cant go back to that psychiatrist because he wouldn't listen to me and probably thought i was malingering... so i wont go back to him...

i have tried 3 other clinics which i cant go to.. insurance reasons, residency reasons, no adult psychiatrist reasons, blahblah... but i have a referal to the hospital psychiatrist from the psychologist today, which i hope i can see on a halfway decent slider scale till i get insurance...

i am dreading it, but i feel like i might have to go back on the seroquel... as it did seem to help the depression.. i just dont know if i can go through the sedation phase again... and the 400mg pills are so big i cant hardly swallow them

i always say... im like a depressed optimist... or the optmistic depressed... i really try with all of my strength to focus on a llight at the end of the tunnel, that things can get better..
but sometimes it just seems like im lieing to myself

i worry that i will live like this for the rest of my life, this is no way to live... its painful... dark... scary... lonely...

stay strong...