I have done a lot of integration work over the years, most of it on my own, even. I've gained access to memories, emotions, perceptions and so on gradually, with a lot of major hurdles, bumps and craziness along the way. I would guess that at this point, I have access to about 90% of the content that constitutes my mind. Some of it still fades in and out from time to time, but the overall level of cohesiveness has come a really long way. I would say that the most difficult success was in accessing the most child-like and openly vulnerable one. That was a rough one, but a success in the end.

At this point it seems like there is one left, and I have a lot of reason to believe that this one holds the worst of the memories. This is also the one that holds most of the anger, and I mean a very deep, seething, overwhelming amount of anger. Probably due to being split off while holding onto these things, this one is also by far the most unstable and is very likely quite dangerous to self and others.

Every attempt and approach at trying to integrate with this one even on just a very basic level has been a complete mess and failure. It is very powerful and shuts everything else down when it emerges, which is pretty terrifying given its nature. Its perceptions also border on psychosis (believes itself to be a demon, and so on, just a mess). Occasionally there is co-consciousness and it's extremely antagonizing and in a very creepy way, usually.

The biggest problem is that it's such an all or nothing thing, that it's difficult to even allow it and difficult not to desperately wrangle with it when it surfaces. It's also very stressful in that I can usually tell when it's coming, as in to the surface (best way I can explain it). The first time I experienced this awareness was when a therapist tried an EMDR exercise, and it just about came roaring through and I felt like I might try to assault the therapist, it was really frightening.

It has also worn me down considerably over the years including my own sanity. There are times when I feel like I might as well be possessed by a demon since the experience pretty much fits. But even when I or a therapist try to take a very patient, compassionate approach, that backfires, too. Everything just sens it into a rage, even being gentle and kind to it, maybe even especially being gentle and kind to it.

Has anyone here gotten to this point in the integration process, down to the last one(s) where things apparently can get pretty gnarly and difficult? Anyone willing to share experiences/relate or have any advice?