I posted this in the transference thread, but I'm going to edit it a bit here to add the more nebulous things because I think that might help to help reach a conclusion.

I was crushing on my therapist a little while back. The interesting thing about this was that I really didn't find myself sexually attracted which was weird. I had all these lovey dovey feelings, but no fantasies.

I had a dream today when I laid down for a nap. Before I laid down for my nap I had checked with him to see if I could be worked in for an appointment today. I called out of work due to some anxiety issues and thought while all of this was on my mind if he could work me in I'd go. But he couldn't. He thanked me for my "letter." I had emailed him about some stuff from last session AND my feelings of transference making sure to mention that I did not want to jump his bones. I think that's what made admitting it easier. That I could say that for all these feelings I'm not looking at you this way. Well THAT went out the window!

I like trying to analyze especially beyond the OBVIOUS. We can all come to the same conclusion if I say I had a dream about sex with my therapist but it's all the other stuff that perplexes me. Going to BOLD the weirdness.

He comes to my house. Maybe checking in on me? I don't remember. I know we were sitting on my couch, in what should be my home though I don't recognize it.

He doesn't LOOK like himself in the dream - at least not at first. He looks younger and Asian. Don't particularly have a thing for Asian guys, nor anything against them either so if he wasn't going to look like himself I don't know why that happened.

Also I'm running around the house DOING stuff and he's talking to me, keeping up. At one point he had leaned in kind of close and said, "I feel the same way." I hadn't said anything so that HAD to be a reference to my email. But since it wasn't crystal clear and it freaked me out I figured I'd just ignore it.

One time as I got up off my couch I realized I was in my underwear. Reality is if I have no company at home there's a very good chance I'll be in my underwear and a t-shirt. Noticing I was in my underwear sort of freaked me out, but I didn't want to SEEM like it bothered me so I just stayed that way.

Later we're sitting on the couch again and he leans over and kisses me and I kiss him back. Not as perfect as I would like a kiss to be (go figure and here we are in a dream), but decent.

At some point I know I start crying. I'm crying in one way because it feels like I want it, crying in another way because I know if I go there it will mess up my relationship with the one guy who is in a position to help me and crying also because he went there and would put me in this position. I honestly just didn't know what to do.

Then there's some lunacy of him hiding my couch. (It needed to be moved for emergency personnel - pretty sure we were sitting on the couch in the street at one point, and he put it on the back porch to get it out of the way.) Thing is when I'm looking for it, for the longest time he didn't tell me he moved it. I was trying to figure out who would STEAL my couch and why. He KNEW I was looking for it and didn't tell me. When I found it, he didn't make a big deal out of it like he was joking, nor did he seem like he forgot. It just went completely unacknowledged.


Prior to the him kissing me, the closest I had done to anything is we were coming back from somewhere and I rested my head on his shoulder as we walked. There was, as there always is, a comfort being around him.

Then his family shows up. His mom and dad. If I recall correctly they were rather welcoming to me like they knew me. But mom was frazzled about his....cousin? Sister? Someone who died at sea and was in pieces. I remember having an image of a huge steak. Like in a cartoon. Red with the round bone in it. Told you it was weird!

Now we're in a bedroom. Could be mine, but I have a feeling it's his. We're kissing and it's better now. That kind of kissing that when you let go for a second you're gasping for air. He's pushing up against me and now HE has no pants on. And no underwear either. I reach down and grab him. OMG! Bigger than anything I have seen in real life and I have seen MANY in my promiscuous days! He stops kissing me and looks at me with a look of surprise. One eyebrow up and he says, "Already?" I answered no, not yet and then my telephone rang in real life waking me up.

The crux of my email, which I DID happen to re-read before my nap, was about how while I LIKE the nice things he says to me, they hurt because I DON'T BELIEVE HIM and yet I want to. And by nice I mean anything from telling me I'm intelligent and interesting (I pretty much believe those and yet feel it isn't enough) to telling me "Thank you for the letter (i.e. email)" which would imply it was somehow important to him and I don't believe that.

Just WOW! The FEELINGS were crazy. WHAT ARE WE DOING?!? What am I doing? If I do this who will be my unbiased, always on my side person to talk to?

If anyone has any clue what to make of the bold pieces, I'd love to hear about it.