yeah. i can tell mr man that i miss him. and i do. we talk on the phone nearly every day, and i tell him that i miss him. he said he sent me a couple books through and they arrived yesterday. he wrote something in the book he wrote and said 'miss you' so that is nice. thought maybe i was being more attached than him... but maybe not. maybe he misses me too. i worry sometimes that i'm a bit annoying with how often i call. it is really hard for me to assess what he is saying. i guess i tend to worry that he is sending out mixed messages and saying 'its fine - its nice to talk to you' when he is sounding like he would rather be starting or ending his day. but i think i need to trust him more. his words. i think it is mostly about my insecurity. i really really really really like him - though i do freak out a little sometimes. black lines and malevolent intent. my %#@&#!, though. my %#@&#!. my insecurities. my fears. why is he interested in me again? he ruminates sometimes... i can be reassuring at times. help him get out of his head. only time will tell. but yeah, i miss his physical presence. the reassuring nature of his physical presence. feeling safe and warm and loved. holding him when he wimpers in his sleep. so big and safe and vulnerable at the same time. such a little boy with a fragile ego and kind words and watch him glow. i don't know... haven't really done this before. thought i was incapable of love. and maybe this won't work. but... i miss him. so much.

didn't tell my t any of this. but yeah, thats why i'm fragile right now. i miss mr man :-(