I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Crook. Is it possible that a tiny part of you wants to go home and find the cops "waiting" for you? I say this because sometimes when we're in a really bad place, we know, in the deepest part of ourselves, that we can't be safe, that we can't look out for ourselves. It's the thing that makes us trust our therapists and allows us to tell them the truth of what we're thinking; in other words, we're asking them in a round about way to take control and keep us safe.

I hope your therapist is able to find the right balance of support and care for you. I'm glad you're scheduled for the DBT group, but sometimes we're too unstable and unsafe to be out there on our own, especially when we're having suicidal thoughts and feeling the pressure to let others who care about us know about them. Take care.