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Originally Posted by here today
Sounds healthy, for you.
What I was trying to say in my brief comment earlier was that it really does sound like you had a legitimately difficult situation with your parents and lack of other family growing up. Not to label or try to stigmatize her in any way, because I have a great deal of “empathy”? “sympathy”? I’m not sure which, for other people with PD’s, but have you considered that your mother may have one? (Maybe BPD?) Which means that you are certainly at risk for difficulties yourself, especially combined with the early loss of your father.
At any rate, even if you love your mother, her life and mental health are primarily her problem. And that really sucks because I think the mental health profession often has very little of a clue what to do, especially for people who don’t have a clue to start with either. But that’s another topic.
So. . . what can you, perhaps, do for yourself mental-health wise? And given the can of worms you might get into, what do you want to try to do for yourself and your life, potentially? Are you in therapy currently? Or have you been in therapy before?
I say that therapy can be a can of worms because that has certainly been my experience and if you look on the Psychotherapy forum, it seems to have been the experience of quite a few others. Nevertheless. . .it can be worthwhile sometimes, too.
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I've long known my mom has mental health issues - originally major depression (I've witnessed her episodes since early childhood. It used to worry me immensely when she would spend 22 hours a day in bed, now I just kind of know she'll get past it eventually).
I've been self-analyzing almost obsessively for a few years now with little to no action...I guess I keep waiting for a perfect plan to execute perfectly, or else finding reasons not to bother. I don't have much access to therapy, nor much experience. I've had Ts before, but my mom would decide they weren't helping so she wasn't going to pay for them anymore, and we would stop after 5 or 6 sessions. Plus, my last one thought I had an attention disorder and put me on meds that messed up my emotions.
I've been thinking on and off about empathy and love today in relation to this thread. Worrying I actually do lack empathy, or am incapable of actually loving another person. I guess...I have almost nothing in life. Nothing I enjoy, nothing that makes me happy or fulfilled, no one to care about (the one screw-up relationship I had was actually a great feeling, even if it was likely to be short lived), and I'm a master at convincing myself not to try. So I worry, I feel broken, and I just sort of drown it in mindless internetting.
It's getting old, and it occurred to me today that I'm really losing a lot - including a number of mental and emotional things that made me myself. I want the damn life I never started.
And yeah, being broke and dependent just makes everything worse.