So I went to therapy and we finally tried EMDR.

I couldn't concentrate on it like I was supposed to. I could either think of what I was supposed to or track the therpaist's fingers and when Iw as tracking her fingers all I could think was "there are her fingers going left ...right"

She wanted to start with the earliest trauma but the problem is I'm fuzzy on the memories AND it's something that.. I remember it but in a detached way. If I start trying to access the emotions it's like a gate slams down.

We tried a few different techniques and finally she said maybe she would try something else. I did Internal Family systems last year and it was progress but there is no one in my area that does it and takes my insurance.

I got really angry and some stuff came out and I was yelling different things about myself that were all negative and she kept asking who had said those things and honestly I don't remember or it could be any number of people. It's just there. I mean if I knew I would be in therapy. maybe

So I came home, feeling shattered and upset. (Background - I moved from the state I was living in to where I am now and in with my mother because Ihaven't been able to work and needed more family support, my brother lives nearby and my mom keeps my nephew a lot). It was early release day so my nephew was there, I couldn't go to my room without questions.

Instead I just cut off everything I was feeling until they went to an afterschool activity. And then I just.. I don't know I cried. I've been fighting self harm thoughts although until this past year I've only rarely done anythin and then it's just been biting the backs of my hands.

But today I took my car key and kept jamming it in my arm over and over until it finally hurt. And I wanted to break everything. I know the anger is just misplaced sadness but I don t know how t process it.

I can't talk to Mom because she doesn't understand. I don't feel like I have a good rapport with the therapist (part of the issue) and I just... I don't know what to do.

Well I did email some therapists to see if they were taking new patients. But I ended up doing what is harmful...shutting down and not feeling anything until I have to explode with emotion.