I have gotten your friend request, and i have been trying to accept it but it keep buffering.
It's still there in my notifs, and i'll try again tomorrow. Might be a glitch.

I have seen your profile and i read you enjoy French. My native tongue is French, so si tu veux pratiquer

Anywho, i have never really understood about dissociative disorder. I've read about it, along with BPD stuff a while ago cause someone suggested i might suffer from BPD. This was following a break up years ago, and i was very angry and scared at the time. From what i read, not sure i fit enough 'criterias' to be officially diagnosed, but it pops from the back of my head sometimes. I try and be careful about labels. The doc who suggested BPD spoke to me for 30 minutes total.

Roth books have helps me so much in the past with food. I have them all also. But lately it does not seem to sink in. Or i block it out? It's like i don't want to get better. I dont know how to explain it, but as an example, i'll go on a long walk in the afternoon but overeat all evening, like to annul the benefits of the walk. I often feel like i hurt myself in purpose.
I was always a bit chubby as a child, and was obese in some teen years and most of my 20s and 30s. I had been doing well though the past 5 yrs. Then i started gaining weight a year and a half ago. I have gained 30lbs since then, half of it in the past couple months.

What doesn't help is my anxiety level. In the past year, i have had many losses. Friends, pets, some autonomy (i've just had orthopedic surgery), loss of money due to being on sick leave for months, loss of social life, loss of mobility, etc...It's been a hard year and i manage staying afloat, but i am dealing with depression. The art classes im taking are not really helping long term. Art an learning a new skill does not sink in, it seems.
I've been single for over 2 years, and i avoid men in general now. My poor choices in life partners have left me with little trust in my judgement. Being rejected by a close friend has shook me too. She has her issues too and overreacted to my saying no to her. As flawed as i am, i did not deserve such rage i think, and i did not chose to end the friendship. There's nothing i would do different now, but still, it hurt. Mutual friends immediately stopped speaking to me. Some of them have come forward since and acted friendly again, but i think that whole thing traumatized me. Someone i loved talking crap about me, all of a sudden. She betrayed me and painted a twisted picture of what really went on between her an i so people would pick her side, and they did initially (at least that's what i think since they stopped talking to me. I never spoke a word to them about this),which made me question how they even saw me in the first place. All i could do was try to move on, say nothing about her to anyone, be mature and hope people were smart enough to see through her game.
Am i still typing? Sorry, i think losing her friendship an those linked to her was not as painful as the fact that someone can turn on you like that cause i stuck up for myself.

So, point is, i eat wayyy too much in the evenings and i can't seem to be able to stop myself this time. I fool myself into thinking once my body is healed from surgery, i can start running again and go to the gym and the pool and...diet. Become leaner and toner.
Which might actually happen and work...for a little while till i binge again and get totally discouraged. I will sabotage.
So i need to figure out why i eat, and how to stop it. It's like im too close to it and i can't see it, perhaps?