In my experience relating to a new T (just like any new person in my life) can be a complicated figuring out how to work together process. Especially if, as you have had happen, you had a prior experience that did not work out as you wished.

One thing you have control over is how you communicate your needs and/or questions to your T. It's all fine to vent here about what she "should" say and do, but if you don't share this information with her there is no way you can move to a better working place. For instance, you can raise the issue of agenda by saying something like "It feels as if you want to control the agenda in our sessions, and I'm confused about that because I thought psychodynamic therapy was the opposite." State your perceptions and your wants/needs for how your sessions might go, and ask questions about why she is asking questions or taking notes (which is actually a psychodynamic practice).

I think that I used to believe therapy was all about finding that magically attuned person who would know what I needed and give it to me without my asking (sort of like how I constructed what marriage would be). Instead my experience has been that just because I say words that seem clear to me, doesn't guarantee I'll be understood. Sometimes I have to clarify or explain or just do more to be heard. If I don't get why T is asking a particular question, I ask why she wants to know. Or if she suggests doing something specific, I ask to talk about how it works and why she thinks it would be helpful. If I feel that I've raised an issue and she is not responding to it in the way that I want, I say so. Over time I need to do less and less of these things because we have finely honed the way my sessions go and after six years, she is pretty attuned to me and gets me better. But it was actually work to get here and I still have to be vigilant about communicating what I want to talk about and what I need back from her.

Over time I've come to understand that my beliefs about how T should work are like the ways I think all relationships should work. As I've improved my communication in T and made it my responsibility to communicate what I need and how I need it, I've done the same in my other relationships. It's not really about what T says and does, it's how I react to it and what I choose to do or say back that's the real point. Like all my relationships.

I also believed when I was a new father (all three times) that I would be attuned to my child, my flesh and blood, to giving him/her what was needed at the time. I really wanted to have a happy, smiling, non fussy baby that would magically be produced by my attentive, loving parenting. Each newborn was a complete mystery and no matter how hard I tried and how committed I was to trying to meet his or her needs at all times, it just didn't work. It still doesn't. What does work is trying to help my children communicate with me and being as nondefensive and open to said communication as possible. We fumble through it together and we are reasonably happy a reasonable amount of the time. So when my T struggles to get it right with me, I have a better understanding of how hard it is to do so even when you are highly invested in attunement happening and have built a strong foundation for it.

I guess what I'm saying is that this is really hard stuff, for clients and for therapists. As the client I think it's more helpful to focus on how you can communicate to your T what you're finding disappointing and frustrating. If you can't communicate as you'd like to, you can start by asking for help with communicating the things you need to say.

I think part of it is also recognizing that human relationships, including T relationships, just are going to be disappointing and frustrating some of the time, and increasing one's tolerance and expectations so when it does happen, you can face it directly rather than retreating to your corner and just complaining about it.