I am very aware how I hold onto tragedy now. I don't let go of things that hurt, not because I don't want to but because I don't know how to. I guess it's part of my issue. Memories(all the bad ones) are burnt into myself that are constantly there. The struggle of self help, self pain and so on is something that is me. I can't let go, it's burns in me and never leaves. I heard this great quote on a tv show that is sure to wind up as a tattoo on me soon enough:
We never bury the dead, son. Not really. We take them with us. That's the price of living.

I guess I do it on an overboard level like everything else in my life. Even pain consumes me because I'm my mind I don't need help (though I do). I let myself think that I am better, that I can do things alone. I have created a cave for myself, in so many more ways than one. I am human too, I have deep dark pain and sadness that keeps me held back from real life. I have had so many bad things happen that make me question things many times over. Seems as if it's almost a joke or even a test, not really sure.... To live in a world that I have created because I need control at all times???? Not sure if this is the way to live. I know I am rambling but this is one of those times where I'm letting my mind type rather than my fingers. If you know what I mean!!! I am going to probably say my last goodbye to my father today. I am hurting....