I have had two doctors appointments this week -- gyn and pdoc -- and both brought up my weight. The gyn was very gentle, and I think just assumed that it was being treated in therapy or with the pdoc. I was pretty up front: "I have a history of anorexia, and was triggered into a relapse this spring." He asked if I had a pdoc, I said yes -- I'd already told him I was taking an AD -- and then the dime dropped: the pdoc is the one who referred me to him in the first place!

It's hard, and there's no way to make it any easier. Yesterday, at the pdoc's, I nearly cried when we were talking about it. I don't know why I do this, and I know how CRAZY it is, but I can't seem to get over it. I called my therapist today, because I know that I need to do something about this, but missed her return call. I've got hair growing all over my face now, and can't go to the beach for fear of having sand kicked in my face, and don't even like the way I look in the mirror -- too thin -- but I still agonize over every bite I put in my mouth, and think in terms of trades -- I made doughnuts today, and find myself thinking I'll eat one doughnut (tiny doughnuts, really beignets) instead of, say, croutons on my salad -- and I still can't give myself permission to eat.

Anyway, I'm getting off on my own stuff, but I just wanted to say it's hard, I'm here along with you, and I don't have the answer. I do know, though -- from experience -- that you DO NOT want your first dizzy spell to happen on a horse. G'head -- ask me how I know that? You NEED to work on this, for their sake, and that means that -- difficult as it is -- you MUST talk to your therapist about it. You MUST allow your treatment team to help you.

I know you know all that. I'm sorry to repeat what must be old news to you. You have my best wishes.