I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.

Maybe there is a part of you that wants to confront the beast that haunts you, so to speak? I agree that it wouldn't have done you any good, though. I certainly get the appeal of it, but at the end of the day he isn't worth it. He isn't worth the pain it would cause you.

My class from secondary school (grade/year 8-10 in Norway) had a 10-year reunion last year, and there was a part of me that definitely wanted to show up so I could tell everyone who bullied me where to stick it, but then I thought, are they really worth it? And I decided they weren't. Being invited to that thing was upsetting enough.

Stay strong. Remember that there are a lot of people who admire you for all that you have overcome and for what you give to others. I know I do.